After working as a love and relationship coach for the past 7 years, and helping millions of people through the terribly painful process of heartbreak, I’ve discovered ONE fundamental truth about love and relationships.
And it’s this:
The SOURCE of ALL the PAIN we experience in relationships is rooted in a “wounded” and “limited” UNDERSTANDING of LOVE.
So if we want to have a more fulfilling and enjoyable experience of love – with all it’s beautiful highs and glory’s and without the gut-wrenching pain and heartbreak – then we need to do MORE than what we’ve done so far.
We must not only learn and grow ourselves, but we must ALSO grow and evolve our UNDERSTANDING of love.
And that’s what this little manifesto is designed to do – to help you grow and evolve your understanding of love.
Because, quite frankly, our current version of love just isn’t working.
If it was, it wouldn’t be producing the results that it’s currently producing (50% divorce rates, billions of strained relationships, and tons of devastating loss and heartbreak)
In other words:
LOVE is in DESPERATE NEED of a good “REBRANDING”
And I’m taking on the task of being the new brand ambassador.
If we want to avoid the outcomes that the current form of “love” is producing, then we must not only adapt and learn new behaviors (i.e. better ways of relating and communicating) but we must also adapt and evolve our UNDERSTANDING of love.
Now, there are many great resources out there on how we can be better lovers, better partners, and get better at communicating.
However, there are VERY few resources on how to grow and evolve our UNDERSTANDING of love.
Why is that?
Because love is such a subjective topic. And it varies so much from person to person.
And yet, there are some striking similarities in the kind of love that we typically experience.
In fact, I would venture to say that there’s more similarities than there are differences.
That’s why when you read advice online about dating, love, and relationships – they can accurately speak on our experiences and offer us advice based on common sets of actions and re-actions.
That’s because they’re speaking to the “collective experience” that we typically have around love.
MOST of the problems that I encounter in my work with people actually stem from this collective understanding and experience of love.
And I believe that we will continue to experience these problems until we begin to question what the hell love actually IS and what it is NOT.
It’s a very morally-questionable territory to go into, and I don’t claim to have ALL the answers.
However, I do believe that I have SOME of the answers.
I also believe that the experiences I’ve had, both personally and professionally, have given me a greater understanding of what love actually IS and what it is NOT.
And since there are very few people out there that are willing to force us to engage in this existentially-rich question, I thought I’d be the one to start the discussion and provoke us to think a little deeper about what love IS and what it is NOT.
Regardless of whether you agree with any of my views or not, I promise you that the process of bringing these ideas into question will help you get to a deeper truth within yourself about what love means to YOU.
And I promise that through questioning what you believe to be true about love, you may identify things that you’re currently doing that do NOT serve you (as well as things that do)
Pay close attention to these things as they arise, for they will help you chisel your understanding of love into something that will serve you in experiencing the type of love that you truly want in your life.
Note: if after reading this, you realize that you’ve been engaging in a pattern of behavior that does not serve you and only produces more pain for you and your partners – that’s okay. In fact, that’s the whole point.
It’s better to realize these things now – in this safe space of deep contemplation – than it is to keep doing it over and over again without even realizing it. So if you DO realize it now, that’s okay. In fact, it’s normal. Because no one’s ever forced you to stop and question what you believe to be true about love. You’ve probably just functioned off the “collective understanding” that you’ve adopted over the years – just like the rest of us.
But now, you’re about to start bringing these things into question.
And I think you’ll really like what you’re about to discover.
So let’s begin..
Here’s what I believe to be true about Love (so far)
Read along and see how much of this resonates with you…
I believe that True Love simply wants what is best for the other… whatever supports their highest good and happiness.
I believe that Love, in it’s purest form, is an experience of expansion and liberation – and not just a series of transactional exchanges that are littered with hidden resentments from the inevitable disappointments.
Hidden resentments that stem from unmet needs, uncommunicated requests, and unreasonable expectations.
I believe that our experience of Love ought to be a consciously co-created one; with conscious agreements that are chosen and agreed upon by both parties, that are rooted in the expansion of love and evolution, that take each other’s needs into account, and that support the highest good of both individuals.
I believe that these intentions are the things that should drive the “vehicle” that we call a “relationship” – rather than being driven by the ego-strategies that we’ve developed in order to extract something from another person that we are unwilling to give to ourselves (AKA: self-love and self-nourishment)
I also believe that a truly healthy, vibrant, and thriving Love will create more joy than it does suffering.
Pain is permissible. Pain is great, even. As long as the pain is used as an inquiry.
An inquiry that reveals new layers of growth and evolution for the individual who is experiencing that initial trigger of pain, hurt and disappointment – rather than automatically getting interpreted as some sort of “wrongdoing” by the other party and then projected outwards in the form of anger, blame, and even righteous indignation.
Thus, making the partner they supposedly “love” feel inferior, inadequate, and generally very unpleasant about themselves.
By the way, I have to stop and ask…
Is that really love?
Or is it a horribly thwarted perception founded in the unbased assumption that another individual could possibly be held responsible for meeting all our needs and desires?
How selfish.
How selfish is it of us to think that we are in possession of another human life, and that they SHOULD act in accordance with how we WANT them to act?
And if they don’t do that, that must mean that they don’t love us.
Or that they’re not the right “one” for us.
Or that we should stop loving them.
It’s sad to think how quickly we get triggered and react in ways that end up hurting the ones we claim to “love”
It’s also really sad to think that the majority of people who are in love are essentially operating from a belief structure that says that they have SOLE OWNERSHIP of the person they’re with.
And WHILE they’re together, they MUST act in accordance with each other’s needs and expectations.
And if they fail to do that, they’re out. They’re leaving. They’re walking out of their life and not looking back.
They may not do this immediately, but they’ll most certainly make threats about it.
…In order to “control” their partner and get them to do what they want.
Not only that, but they’ll also change their behavior accordingly.
…In attempt to control and manipulate their partner and get what they want.
How do they do that?
They start creating fights and arguments and throwing “emotional fits”
They start withdrawing their love…
They start withholding sex…
They stop doing nice things for you…
And they start acting cold and distant…
…All in attempt to control the other person.
…To manipulate them into getting what they want.
If they can’t successfully manipulate them into giving them what they want, they will get up and leave and try to go find someone else that will.
Someone please tell me:
How is that love?
Seriously.
When has that become a standard and acceptable behavior?
And since when do we have the nerve to call THAT “love?”
That is not love.
That is selfishness.
Remember, True Love simply wants what is best for the other… whatever supports their highest good and happiness.
For example:
A mother who truly loves her child will want her child to do whatever makes them happy.
A mother who loves her child, but has her own selfish ulterior motives at work, will try to make that child do what she never had the opportunity to do growing up. In order to live vicariously through her child and make up for her “unlived life.”
These are 2 radically different types of experiences. And 2 radically different types of love.
It’s important to begin to distinguish them here, so that we can begin to distinguish them in relationships too.
A mother with the purest intent in her heart would never say:
“I loved you and gave you birth, and so now you must love me back. And the way you’re going to do that is by growing up and being what I want you to be for a living. And if you don’t do that, I will leave you and abandon you and go adopt another child that is willing to have the exact career that I want them to have.”
And yet, that’s exactly what we do in relationships.
In fact, that’s actually a step up from what MOST of us do.
Most people never even bother to communicate the expectations they have to their partners.
They just get mad when they don’t live up to the invisible expectations they have in their heads.
And then they get upset and lash out at their partners.
(Over needs and “expectations” that haven’t even been communicated 99% of the time)
I know because I’ve experienced this first hand in my relationships, and I’ve also worked with both individuals and couples for the past 7 years.
And almost everything they’re mad at each other for is something that they failed to voice, express, and form a conscious agreement around.
In other words: the other person usually had no idea that the other person was going to explode on them for doing (or not doing) that thing.
Note: voicing a preference in a random passing conversation and then expecting the person to hear it and automatically conform their whole essence, being, and expression around that one randomly expressed preference does NOT count as a conscious and mutually understood agreement.
Look, as people, we have MANY preferences.
And we state our many preferences, at random times, at different intervals.
To automatically assume that just because you fired off at the mouth about some thing that you prefer one time – that the other person is now obligated to morph themselves into an instantly obedient version of your randomly expressed preference – is a formula that will set you up for A LOT of needless suffering.
It will also cause you to engage in a lot of unjust verbal abuse directed at the person that you so call “love”
Is that really what Love does?
I don’t think so…
And the most maddening thing about it is that people do this over things that they have NEVER even bothered to express to each other.
And yet, they still get mad when they don’t act accordingly.
In other words:
We expect people to instantly and permanently morph themselves around the preferences that we hold in our minds, that we HAVEN’T even bothered to take the time to express to them.
So if the first approach is a recipe for a lot of needless suffering (expecting people to act the way we want based on some randomly expressed preference), this second approach is just absolute fucking madness.
Now, do they sometimes manage to do it?
(IE: conform their way of being according to certain preferences and expectations that you expressed to them)
Sure.
Does it make them a very kind, caring, and compassionate person who demonstrates the ability to not only listen to you, but also go out of their way to adjust their behavior accordingly because they love you and care about you?
Yes.
Should you love, honor, and celebrate that person for loving you and caring about you so thoroughly?
Yes.
Should they ever happen to not do that for you automatically, does it give you the right to yell at them or be upset or angry with them or hold grudges or pull away and silently seethe in resentment?
Absolutely not.
And yet, we do it ALL THE TIME.
Over tens and hundreds of different things.
It’d be somewhat understandable if it was over big or important things.
But most of the time, it’s not.
In fact, they’re usually over tiny insignificant things that wouldn’t even be fought over if both individuals were in a place of truly honoring themselves and their partners. And yet, most of the time, they’re not.
They’re not in a place of truly honoring themselves and their partners because they’re so busy trying to extract some sense of value and worth from the other person, and the relationship as a whole.
Seeing the other person conform to their preferences is seen as a token of demonstrating just how much they love and care about them, and how they will go out of their way to make them happy.
Not only is this absolutely exhausting for both parties, it’s a surefire way to tarnish the amazingly beautiful love that is still alive for both individuals.
Cuz let’s be honest…. if they didn’t love each other, there’s no fucking way that they’d be dealing with that level of drama and dysfunction on a daily or weekly basis in the first place.
Which leads me to my main point:
The ENTIRE GAME of LOVE, as we know it, is FUCKED.
And if we continue to play this modern game of love, we’ll be subjecting ourselves to YEARS of UNNECESSARY PAIN and SUFFERING.
If we want to stop being disappointed in love – and actually experience the level of love, joy and fulfillment that our hearts secretly long and yearn for – then we MUST adopt and develop NEW models around Love that actually serve us.
And that is part of what I’m committed to doing in this lifetime.
I’m committed to CHANGING the GLOBAL GAME OF LOVE
And I know that I will likely die trying in this pursuit.
Because the vast majority of us will continue to play out the exact same experience that we’ve had over and over again (even though we know it does not serve us)
We will scrape the dirt off the shoulders, bounce back, learn a thing or two or TEN in the process, but not truly question the “foundational beliefs” that continue to create this type of experience for us.
I know, because I used to be that person.
(Even while being a dating, sex, and relationship coach)
The fact is: it’s really hard to spot the “source” of these beliefs.
Because we’ve all adopted them so early in life, and have had them reinforced through so many different outlets.
And the most sad and unfortunate thing about it is this:
There is nothing that I can say or do right now that will prevent the 17 year old girl in high school from getting her heart broken when her boyfriend leaves her or cheats on her.
There is nothing that I can say or do now that will prevent the young man in his early 20’s from being emotionally unaware, unable to empathize with himself or his partner or even know his own aim and purpose in life – causing his partner to feel unloved, unheard, misunderstood, and eventually lose respect for him (causing her to make his life a living hell before she finally has the courage to leave him since she doesn’t know the right way to speak her true feelings and break it to him and so she will first try to wait it out and hope that he changes and may even try to fix him)
There is nothing that I can say or do, NOW, to change the entire “relationship ecosystem” of a marriage that has been founded on a basis of codependence for the last 10 years and then suddenly snap them into a positive upward trajectory towards a healthy, happy, mutually supportive relationship that encourages both their individual growth, expression and freedom.
There is nothing that I can say or do to cause an individual to truly love and value themselves, and not try to source their value and worth from another person in the highly noble but misguided aim of loving another.
And there’s very little that I can say or do to get someone to truly love and honor themselves and their boundaries when they are love-smitten by another person and see them acting in ways that place unreasonable requests and demands on them.
You have to stand in your power SO much to not take this on as your own stuff, and to truly remain responsible for yourself and yourself only, and communicate that in a way that will get the other person to see and own their shit and stop projecting it on you.
And you have to be even MORE powerful in your level of self-awareness in order to not let yourself fall prey to these traps within your own being.
What traps am I referring to?
The trap of your triggers.
The trap of associating meaning to things that don’t need those associations.
The trap of expecting things that you have no right to be expecting of another.
And then the REAL work here is to not let the prevalence of these things (or lack thereof) stop you from loving them, or being an expansive force of love within your own being.
This way of relating is a highly skilled art that very few will ever understand or assimilate in this lifetime.
And yet, it’s so critical.
It’s so critical to our love, our happiness, our liberation and our freedom.
I don’t know anything that hurts us, or zaps our energy, quite like love.
When something in your love life is off – it throws off every other area of your life.
When you are in an unhealthy relationship – where you feel stuck, trapped, confined or abused – you are literally drained of all your energy and creative potential.
It’s like someone took a knife and jabbed it in your gas tank, and all you can do is drive for a few more blocks as you look in the rear view mirror and watch all your fuel leak out.
This one little act starts to undermine all other areas of your life.
You’re in a shitty mood when you’re interacting with friends, family & co-workers.
You start neglecting your health, skipping workouts & over-indulging in food.
You can’t focus at work and you end up stunting your growth in your career and your business, costing you hundreds and thousands of dollars.
I know, because I’ve been there myself. And I’ve helped millions of other people through that awfully troubling time as well.
And through this process, I’ve observed the underlying patterns that keep us perpetually stuck in these patterns – even AFTER we leave the relationship that we thought to be the CAUSE of all our suffering.
Newsflash: we often end up re-creating similar types of situations in our future relationships… despite thinking that we already learned what we needed to learn from our last relationship.
After watching this pattern play out for many, many years – I finally discovered the deeper “underlying patterns” for WHY things keep playing out this way (and how to fix it so that it never happens again)
As well as a blueprint for a “suffering-free” relationship (yes, it’s possible)
In fact, I’ve experienced it.
(Note: I said suffering-free… not pain free)
I’ve shared a few glimpses of it already… in coaching calls with my private clients, in interviews with other experts, and in conversations with close friends and colleagues.
And now I feel super inspired to share this with the world on a much larger scale because I feel that it can quite literally CHANGE the GLOBAL GAME of LOVE.
And yet, when I look at the overwhelmingly long road ahead of me – I get discouraged.
I get discouraged because I’ve lived enough and seen enough to know the terrain that lies ahead of me.
I’ve seen it with my own 2 eyes, I’ve felt it in the depths of my heart, and I’ve observed it’s deep roots within my own spirit.
I’ve seen the pain, and I’ve seen the forces that keep unknowingly perpetuating all this pain for others, and I feel like they are far too strong to conquer.
I feel that even with me as a messenger, and the millions of other co-conspirators that are on this mission already (and the millions that I have the ability to inspire), that the force will still be too strong for us to overcome.
What is this force you ask?
There are many.
At the source of it all is INSECURITY.
Our own sense of lack and “incompletion”
And our perception that wholeness can be found outside ourselves – in the arms and eyes of another.
Through our “other half”
And through what people proudly and nobly (and disgustingly) refer to as their “better half”
While that term is cute, sweet and even endearing – it is rooted in a highly dysfunctional belief that does not serve us in the slightest.
And unfortunately, the forces that have originally indoctrinated us into these highly dysfunctional ways of being are still alive and kicking.
In fact, these beliefs are continuously installed every day through TV, Movies, Music, Media, Disney, etc.
Not only are they installed through all those different avenues, but they are also strengthened and reinforced by the people around them who are ALSO living with the same toxic belief systems.
For example:
When someone goes to their friends or family for advice, the advice they get (although it may be great) only reinforces the misguided story that they have in their head about love.
So while it may help them cope with the situation at hand, it doesn’t help them untangle the disastrous story that’s underlying the foundation of their relationship (which is what keeps giving “birth” to all the problems they’re experiencing).
What they often need (instead of the advice they’re getting) is someone to flip the entire story in their head upside down and introduce an entirely NEW version of love and relationships that actually serves them in having a happy and healthy relationship.
That’s why there’s absolutely nothing that you, I, or anyone can do to prevent that poor teenage boy or girl from getting their heart broken when their first “projection of love” disappoints them ever-so-dearly.
It’s because they’re already functioning under the “standard operating system” of love.
And their standard operating system (or what I’ll call SOS, for short) is in major need of it’s own SOS.
The horribly unhealthy codependent “happily-ever-after” love fairytales that our culture continues to propagate simply do NOT serve us anymore (they never have, really)
I’m sure you have many examples in your own life to prove this.
Yet, here’s one tiny example that I’m all too familiar with… that you may have never thought about before (I promise that you’ll find this enlightening)
So let’s look at the common terminology that we, as a culture, use to describe a relationship in which two people choose to no longer be in an intimate relationship together.
We call that a “break up”
Yet, have you ever stopped and asked yourself:
How the fuck does calling it a break up actually serve us?
You want to know why we call it a break up?
We call it a break up because our underlying way of relating is fucking broken.
That’s why.
It’s not a break up… it’s a transition.
And if we had the personal maturity to handle these transitions with love and compassion, then we can honor them for exactly what they are (instead of referring to it as a “break-up”)
A break up of what?
A break up of a fictional fairytale that we chose to believe in, that had us thinking that this would last forever?
I assure you that we wouldn’t be calling it a break up if we never entered the relationship under the illusion that it would last forever.
Someone please tell me…
When in the FUCK did we conflate PERMANENCE with SIGNIFICANCE?
Why in the world do we try so hard to achieve permanence in a world of impermanence?
Why do we try so hard to control the uncontrollable?
Why do we cling to another person in hopes of it being a “forever-lasting” arrangement?
Why is that the grand central goal for so many of us?
As I re-enter the dating world after transitioning out of a serious relationship a year ago, I see so many women so quick to discount me and other men because they don’t see a marriage or kids or a “lasts-forever” type of future with them.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people honoring their wants and their needs and being true to themselves. I love it.
But I can’t help but wonder how many of these people have actually consciously chosen that path for themselves as their deepest truth and how many of them just feel pressured to find something that gives them a greater sense of comfort and security?
(Under the illusion that getting married, having kids, and a family will afford them a type of security that they haven’t been able to find)
Which leads me to wonder…
How many of them truly want that for themselves, at this stage in time?
And how many of them are just tired of getting hurt in relationships that didn’t last forever like they thought they would, and are now seeking something that holds a more promising illusion of comfort, security, and long-term potential – through a commitment, an engagement, marriage, kids, and a family.
(As if that somehow precludes them from having to experience change, transition, disappointment or heartbreak)
You know, since people who commit to those things never have a change of heart, right?
I truly wonder how many people actually want those things and how many people are just saying they want them in order to help them deal with the inevitable uncertainty of living and loving?
By the way, I want to be clear about something:
I am not talking down on this path in any way.
While I may not desire this in my life, at this moment in time, does not mean that I never will or that I hold any judgments against people that do.
I am merely inquiring into the underlying motives of people’s behaviors, as I always tend to do.
Now, let’s continue down that path for a few more points before we wrap up…
We were talking about people and their search for SIGNIFICANCE through PERMANENCE
While this is a noble and interesting pursuit, it may not be the most fruitful in producing feelings of happiness when relationships don’t pass the “permanence” test.
And yet, there are some that do.
After all, there are many couples that successfully live the “happily ever after” love story.
…Until one of them dies.
And then, someone’s left to process and honor that transition of love on their own.
Unless they have the fortune of knowing and timing their death and processing it together before it happens.
But life doesn’t always work out that way.
And so, one person has to grieve the loss. And honor their experience. On their own.
So if that’s what two people INEVITABLY have to do – even in the IDEAL “picture-perfect” scenario that we’ve all supposedly adopted as the golden standard of relationship success – then why in the fuck can we NOT do that now?
Why don’t we practice the art of a loving transition with the partners that didn’t quite meet that false standard of permanence that we’ve all unconsciously adopted as being the best, most significant, most noble, endearing and true?
Why must we get so hurt and disappointed when two people realize that their growth and happiness is best achieved through separate paths from here on forward, and decide to part ways?
Why must we label that relationship as a failure, or get hurt and outraged if it doesn’t live up to the false standard of permanence that only we, ourselves, have placed in our mind?
And more importantly…
Why can’t we embrace that as a possibility upon beginning a relationship with someone and then relate to each other with that understanding and knowing, alive and present?
Why can’t we relate to each other as real, fluid, and evolving beings – rather than a figment of reality that we attempt to control in order to give us some semblance of security, comfort, and stability?
Are we really THAT insecure?
If we’re not – and if we truly are the secure, confident and self-loving beings that we believe we are – then we need to EVOLVE our understanding of LOVE in order to match it.
If we DON’T evolve our understanding of love, it will inadvertently cause us to spiral downwards in quick-sand into a highly unpleasant version of ourselves that we do not even recognize.
And when we finally awaken out from our drunken slumber, we will wonder how in the hell we even subjected ourselves to that experience in the first place.
Or at least I know I did…
And now I’m here, transmuting the lessons into something crystal clear that you and others can digest and assimilate into your own awareness and experience.
So here’s a few more things to consider:
If you consider yourself to be a conscious, self-loving human being that truly loves other people for who they are and doesn’t require anything from them in order to feel whole and happy within yourself…
Then why in the world do you get so hurt and disappointed (and even threaten to leave the relationship) when someone doesn’t act up to par with the ideals that you hold in your mind?
Why do we get so hurt and disappointed when another person isn’t performing up to par with the ridiculously high standards that we have – that we often haven’t even taken the time to ever communicate – let alone, learn HOW to communicate properly.
Doesn’t it all just seem so fucking irrational and detrimental to your highest good, growth, and happiness?
Honestly, it’s hard for me to have hope of things ever changing when I look at the incredibly overwhelming task that I have ahead of me.
It requires a massive overhaul in consciousness in order for us to truly wake up to this reality and live it.
I’ve contemplated this topic for over 10 years now, and I feel like I’m just finally starting to get it.
In my many contemplations, I would frequently ask myself and others what they consider to be a “successful relationship”
Here’s a tiny piece of what I’ve learned:
Relationships are like universities.
They teach us what we need to know and then we graduate.
We may travel with certain classmates for a year, or two years, or even three or four and then we move on.
We either go to different schools to further explore different interests, or get an advanced degree in something else.
Or we move to another city to explore a different land purely for the lands sake, or for the spirit of exploration.
And other times, it’s not even within our control.
Sometimes, life or work or our job or our family decides to move and we go with it and don’t have much say in the matter.
We may try to preserve the relationship, hold on to it, work to nourish it even in midst of all the distance – and some people truly make it work. And that’s beautiful.
And sometimes it just doesn’t work out.
And that’s okay too.
That’s life.
That’s relationships.
After all, relationships are still subject to the same fundamental law that everything else is subject to, right?
The law of impermanence.
This is one of the deepest truths in Buddhism. One of the few and only, actually.
So let’s give each other a little break around our expectations of love and relationships. And let’s give ourselves the permission to experience a more loving, fluid, and accepting view of love.
Let’s drop the controlling, security-seeking, fear-based paradigm of what love and relationships “should” be like and let’s allow ourselves to experience and appreciate the full glory of what we get to share with each other, for as long as we get the privilege of sharing it.
If we truly open our hearts and allow our relationships with people to impact us on the deepest level – then these “impermanent relationships” that we are often so quick to discount as insignificant actually have the power to impact us just as deeply and significantly (if not more) than the ultimate “forever-lasting” experience that we’re all so desperately seeking.
This can actually prepare you for a much more happy and fulfilling long-term relationship in the future, if you use this as an opportunity to grow and experience a more healthy and liberated form of love, that is less attached and insecure, and more supportive and nourishing of the highest good of both individuals.
After all, these are the same qualities that you will ultimately want to have in your most significant long-term relationships, right?
So why not practice them now?
If you want to practice that now, I’ve got a little experiment for you.
Think back to the most recent relationship you had…
If that relationship has changed – in the sense that you are no longer together – that doesn’t mean that your relationship has failed.
It also doesn’t mean that your relationship has ended (although so often it does)
It simply means that it has changed… and transitioned.
And we should honor these changes and transitions the same way that we honor ALL the changes in life.
1. By seeing the opportunity that they provided for us…
2. By appreciating the ways in which we’ve grown as a result…
3. And by articulating how we’ll be a better person and a better lover moving forward…
These 3 things will allow you to experience a much deeper and more enriching form of love in the future.
And you can experience an even deeper and more fulfilling form of love in the future if you take the time to look at these experiences beyond the way that you would normally see them – and actually examine the underlying expectations, reactions, and belief structures that created the basis of your relationship.
Unfortunately, the majority of us will never do that.
The majority of us barely even reflect, learn and grow after our relationships change form.
Let alone, go to the “source” of what created the relationship on a foundational “root level”
Most of us don’t even have the capacity to love a past partner (that we once claimed to love and adore) outside of a relationship that is building towards a “happily ever after” with them.
It’s like as soon as that “forever-lasting” illusion is dismantled, so is the love.
Now, I personally believe that the love ALWAYS lives on. And it forever will.
And yet, culturally, it’s so foreign and frowned upon for us to be “in relationship” with that love as it transitions and takes on a new form.
I think all these challenges are rooted in a fundamental misunderstanding of love – that once we transform – will allow us to still love the closest people that we’ve shared our lives with – long after we’ve went our separate ways.
However, the modern game of love, as we know it, is totally fucked.
And it makes it hard for us to navigate through this – and many other situations – from a place of love, honor, and truth.
I vow to change this game, and yet I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed at the idea of it ever changing.
But as a wise woman I dated once told me, sometimes all you can do is pick up the starfish that got carried to the shore and throw it back in the ocean.
The ocean may cause it to ride back up to the shore but you just have to pick it up and throw it back when you see it. For at least one starfish will be saved that way.
While I have saved my share of starfish, the process can be overwhelmingly exhausting and discouraging. Especially when you know that the ocean is going to keep washing it up to the shore and undermining all your efforts.
While the process of helping that individual starfish is incredibly fulfilling, it can be disheartening when you’re not actively engaged in the act of helping someone and it feels like you’re just writing a bunch of ideas against a big giant wave that’s going to come crashing down on you and all your efforts.
And yet, it still feels incredibly fulfilling to do.
My heart is filled with an intense sense of fire and passion as I write this.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt this level of focus. Over 6 months now.
That’s why I’ve been ignoring the hunger in my stomach for over 8 hours now.
I don’t want to drop what I’m doing and break this state.
And yet, I still feel hopeless about the larger goal here.
I honestly don’t think that I can change the global game of love by myself (or even with others)
If you believe in this vision or have any words of wisdom to impart for me, can you please do me a favor and like and comment below.
I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts on this matter as this is one of the first times I’ve published my thoughts on this formally (although many of you have heard me riff on this topic in private for hours)
I actually started a facebook group where I’m going to be sharing more things like this, and also uniting with other people who believe in this message and are interested in participating in “The Revolution of Love” with me.
=> https://www.facebook.com/groups/720833748040018/
If you want to help me spread this message, please join the group and share this post.
Thanks 
Kevin
PS: I’m still unsure of what exact form this mission will take, but I am VERY sure that this revolution needs to happen (and is already happening)
I will do everything within my power to make it happen on an even greater level, by being a visionary leader and uniting other amazing hearts and minds together to serve in the expansion of this message.
I also vow to use the business that I’ve created in order to drive and feed this revolution. I need a bigger vision to pull me to create again.
And I know that this is the only way that I will have the hunger and drive to keep creating and building my business out even further (instead of just resting on the pleasantly sized empire that I’ve built over the years)
I’ve been looking for a new driver to move me and engage me for the last year now and I finally feel like I’ve found a way to articulate it and put it out there.
Thank you for reading and thank you for all of those that are joining me on the mission to revolutionize our experience of love.
Here’s to all the other revolutionary lovers out there…
=> https://www.facebook.com/groups/720833748040018/