You meet someone new and you guys really hit it off. You feel that spark of attraction and that special connection.

You start seeing each other more and more and you begin spending a lot of time together.

Eventually “the talk” happens.

No, not the breakup talk… the talk about what you guys are doing and “what you are”

In most cases, women are the ones that initiate this conversation.

Women usually have the
“relationship talk” for 3 reasons…

1. They realize the guy is everything they’ve been looking for so they want to get into a serious and committed relationship.
2. They’re in love with the idea of being in love so they automatically start turning things into a relationship as soon as they meet a guy that they’re really into because that’s what they feel they’re “supposed to do” once they get involved with someone.
3. Their pride starts to get the best of them and they want to make sure they’re not just a fuck buddy or a booty call. Plus they don’t want to feel like they’re giving themselves to a guy while he may potentially be enjoying the company of other woman too. They usually feel like they’re “too good” for that or they deserve better. Now I’m not saying they’re wrong for feeling that way, I’m just saying it’s simply a matter of pride.

Guys react to the “relationship talk” in one of 3 ways…

1. They’re not particularly interested in a relationship but they decide to get into a relationship because that’s what you’re “supposed to do” after you start dating someone
2. They’re really into the girl because she’s everything he’s been looking for so he decides to consciously enter a relationship by choice… rather than pressure
3. They let the girl know that they’re not really interested in something serious right now. However, most guys don’t say this even if that’s how they feel because they’re afraid of upsetting the woman or hurting her feelings and potentially losing what they have altogether. Instead, they just go against their will and decide to enter a relationship because they feel pressured to do so.

So you enter a relationship and everything’s amazing in the beginning, as usual. But as time passes, you start to fight and argue a lot more. Eventually, you find yourself with a whole slew of problems that never even existed before.

Why? Well, the obvious reason is that the more time you spend with another person, the more time you have to get to know them and see things that you don’t like. Therefore, all the problems can’t be attributed to the relationship label itself; however, a significant portion of them often arise as a result of the label. Here’s why:

The relationship label comes with
a whole set of expectations…

And the tricky part is that these expectations are different for every single person because each person has a different understanding of what love and relationships are.

We’ve all adopted different beliefs about love and relationship when we were growing up and we’ve all been heavily influenced by movies, television, family, friends, parents and past partners. And while we all share a relatively common base of social conditioning about love and relationships, each person has been influenced in a slightly different way.

Everyone has a different understanding of what a relationship actually is, and more importantly, what they expect out of a relationship.

What a Relationship Really is….

Before we begin to explore what a relationship actually is, it’s important to realize that there’s really no such thing as a relationship. It’s not like there’s some natural thing that exists out there called a “relationship.” It exists in us and we’re the ones that give it meaning. In other words, it’s not a real thing; it’s a man-made concept that’s been created and perpetuated throughout society over thousands of years.

Well just like anything else that gets passed on, it gets twisted and distorted over time and it begins to take on a whole new meaning. Now I’m not going to get into the specifics of how love and relationships are grossly misrepresented in the media because I think it’s a common fact that they often portray a very idealistic and unrealistic fantasy of what love and relationships really are. Instead, I’m going to share what I believe to be…

The #1 Most Common Misunderstanding that
People Have about Love & Relationships

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” – Tony Robbins

Both people must see a relationship as a vehicle of giving, rather than a means of receiving.

Unfortunately, most people don’t consciously enter a relationship in order to give. Instead, they enter a relationship primarily to receive. And anytime you’re expecting to receive something and you don’t get it, you get disappointed. Well, a relationship label brings with it a whole set of expectations from both people; and when these expectations don’t get met, they get upset.

And this is the fundamental problem that is inseparable from all relationships.

Once you enter a relationship with someone, you’re not only entering a relationship with the person but you’re also entering a relationship with their relationship expectations.

Their idea of what a relationship is, what they expect to receive from it, and how they expect to be treated by you.

See once you put a label on the ongoing process of relating that first brought you two together, you infuse it with expectations and you begin molding it to some fairy tale picture that you have in your head… rather than just letting it happen and enjoying the unfolding process.

Instead of just letting it be, people try to control it and make it a certain way – which often sucks the joy, passion and excitement out of things. The relationship label is notorious for taking the rich and rewarding process of two people co-exploring each others inner world and confining them to a desolate cage. This compromise is often justified because at least it gives people the security of inhabiting it with someone else, rather than withering away in their own loneliness.

So What’s the Solution?

Give each other the permission to just be together and enjoy the process of being together.

Letting things be gives you the freedom to explore each other rather than getting trapped in playing a certain role in the relationship in order to please your partner. This is what creates space for the “juice” to flow. Once it stops flowing, the relationship gets routine and boring.

The freedom to be creates an opening for intimacy; a relationship creates a set of expectations that require satisfaction.

So rather than exploring the depths of each others being and savoring the juice that brought you two together in the first place, people often get too consumed with maintaining the very cage that is keeping them confined to a life of misery and monotony.

Here’s a passage from a great spiritual teacher by the name of Osho that does a phenomenal job of illustrating this point even further.

“Love is not a relationship. Love relates, but it is not a relationship. A relationship is something complete and finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come, the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now all is finished. You can carry it on, just to keep your promises. You can carry it on because it is comfortable, convenient, cozy. You can carry it on because there is nothing else to do. You can carry it on because if you disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you.

Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues. It is a continuum. It is a verb, not a noun.

And why do we reduce the beauty of relating to relationship? Why are we in such a hurry? — because to relate is insecure, and relationship is a security, relationship has a certainty. Relating is just a meeting of two strangers, maybe just an overnight stay and in the morning we say goodbye. Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow? And we are so afraid that we want to make it certain, we want to make it predictable. We would like tomorrow to be according to our ideas; we don’t allow it freedom to have its own say. So we immediately reduce every verb to a noun.

Relationships should be transcended; only then can real love happen. Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted. That’s what destroys all love affairs. The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows either. It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery. And to take the other for granted is insulting, disrespectful.

To think that you know your wife is very very ungrateful. How can you know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, they are not things. The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much water has gone down the Ganges; she is somebody else, totally different. Relate again, start again, don’t take it for granted. And the man that you slept with last night, look at his face again in the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much, incalculably much, has changed. That is the difference between a thing and a person. The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the woman, they are no more the same. Explore again, start again. That’s what I mean by relating.

Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other’s personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled.

That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. And if you relate, and don’t reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you. Exploring him, unawares you will be exploring yourself too. Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too. Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation. Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful. In relationship, both persons become blind to each other. Just like your eyes become old, your assumptions become old too. Your mirror gathers dust and you become incapable of reflecting the other.

Hence I say relate. By saying relate, I mean remain continuously on a honeymoon. Go on searching and seeking each other, finding new ways of loving each other, finding new ways of being with each other. And each person is such an infinite mystery, inexhaustible, unfathomable, that it is not possible that you can ever say, “I have known her,” or, “I have known him.” At the most you can say, “I have tried my best, but the mystery remains a mystery. In fact the more you know, the more mysterious the other becomes. Then love is a constant adventure.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should never get into a relationship.

All I’m saying is don’t let the relationship get in the way of the love that is there.

So the #1 takeaway that I want you to get from this article is to not try to force things and rush into a relationship with someone just because you have strong feelings for them. I know that’s what we’ve all been taught to do but it’s much better to just let it happen and enjoy the unfolding process. If it’s meant to be, it will happen on its own. Trying to force it will only ruin it.

Wishing you the best of luck in life and love,

Kevin

PS: feel free to leave me a comment below if you need more relationship advice and I’ll be happy to help you!

I wrote this post about myself, and how I view dating and commitment, in order to give you some insight into how a conscious man commits.

I have shared this post with a handful of men, and I have found that it’s struck a really deep resonance with them.

The men I’ve shared this with on coaching calls have breathed a deep sigh of relief when I read it to them. They have often asked me for a direct link to the article so that they can read it again and bookmark it. They told me that it took the words right out of their mouth and made them feel incredibly understood in their journey of dating and relating with women.

My intention in publishing this post now is 2 fold:

1) To get it out in the hearts of more men, so they can navigate through an often difficult journey with a greater sense of honesty, integrity, and ease.

2) To give women greater insight into the inner world of men, and show them that our apprehension to commitment can actually be seen as something sacred and valuable (rather than something that we are purposely with-holding because we want to string you along and hurt you)

I share a lot of very vulnerable things about myself in this article, including lots of things about my life and my past. It’s a lot to reveal, but I’m happy to do so, in hopes that it will serve you.

Here goes…

It doesn’t feel authentic for me to commit exclusively to any ONE woman unless I feel that she is absolutely the RIGHT woman for me.

In order for me to do that, I need to take the time to really get to know a woman.

And see how it’s like for us to relate and co-create life together.

I also need to take the time to truly get to know myself as a man.

To see how I relate with others, to tune into what feels best for me as a man, and to feel into what it is that I MOST desire in a woman (and in a relationship)

And right now, I’m taking the time to do that.

I’m taking the time to meet and date multiple women in order to see what feels best for me, as a man, at this stage in my life.

If through this process, I happen to find ONE woman that I am so head-over-heels in love with, that I am willing to commit to her and only her for the rest of my life, I would be open to exploring that type of connection.

However, even then, I would want the agreements that we choose to uphold around love, sex, connection and intimacy – to be agreements that we both have consciously agreed upon together. Rather than just meeting a woman on the other end of this journey, after having explored a whole wide range of different ways of being relating, and then sinking back into the “unconscious monogamy mode” that I first started with.

I want to be extra clear that that’s NOT what I mean when I say I’d be open to finding ONE special woman to spend the rest of my life with. Because even if I found that ONE special woman, I would still like for us to consciously craft our commitments and agreements together, and allow the space for conversational topics like this to unfold:

Example: Why My Husband and I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People

But that’s neither here nor there, as that’s just my personal preference for how I’d like to handle the discussion of certain topics in the future.

Here’s What I’ve Learned About How I Handled Commitment In The Past…

All of the relationship I’ve been in have taught me a lot about myself, about love, and about life in general.

I have been in several serious and committed monogamous relationships, as well as several open relationships as well.

(My longest relationship was 3 years. We lived together for 2 of those years and we had a joint bank account that we used to pay all our bills with. We lived in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, about 5-10 minutes away from our families, and we regularly visited both of them and did lots of shared activities together. We were basically married for all practical purposes).

Now, of the many things that I’ve been fortunate enough to learn through relationships (read: almost everything I know to this day), one of the most valuable things that I’ve been able to learn is how I relate to commitment.

Notice that I said how I relate to commitment… not what I think about commitment.

Two totally different things.

I’ll explain more about this distinction in just a bit…

But first, I want to talk a bit more about my relationship to commitment (and how it’s evolved over the years)

After being in several long-term relationships with some incredibly kind and loving women, I discovered just how much I value commitment.

As well as how much I value upholding a woman’s trust and respect.

In fact, I find it to be one of the most fundamental things to a relationship.

I have witnessed, first-hand, what a difficult experience it is to be with a woman who does not trust you. Often, for no personal wrong-doing of your own.

It’s usually a result of other men in her past who have betrayed her trust.

How?

It could be through lying, or cheating, or breaking her heart spontaneously.

Either way, it all stems from NOT being 100% honest with her.

Which really sucks.

Both for her… and all the lovers that have to come after that man.

(Although she ultimately has the final say in letting things go and deciding what to take on, and what to release)

Regardless…

I vow to not add to the collective hurt that women have experienced in love.

And I do that by being very honest with women up-front.

See, I know how I am with commitment.

And I know what a pristine level of integrity I uphold when I TRULY commit to someone.

And because I know that, I also know that I don’t want to commit to someone long-term unless I feel like it’s someone that is truly right for me on ALL levels.

But in the meantime, here’s what I’m willing to commit to…

I am willing to commit my full presence to you anytime that I am with you.

I commit to sharing my full heart with you any time that we are together.

(And also when we are apart).

Anything that you ask with a pure and honest, I will answer.

Anything that you express to me with the utmost sincerity, I will receive.

I will continuously meet you in the direction of truth and love.

I will always communicate with you openly and let you know where I stand.

You will never have to worry about me or what I’m thinking or feeling.

I will always offer that up to you wholeheartedly, in the interest of having an honest and open loving relationship with you.

I commit to being fully in tune with myself, with you, with us, and with our connection as it unfolds – organically.

This is what I am most interested in.

I am interested in how our connection unfolds organically when we are not trying to force it or guide it to be anything other than whatever it is wanting to be in this moment.

And I am committed to nurturing that connection with you, moment by moment.

This is how I create connections with women today.

However, this is not how I’ve created connections with women in the past (although I’ve desperately wanted it to be this way)

Here’s a little bit of insight into how I’ve created relationships with women in the past…

Vulnerable Confession:

I have NEVER entered a committed monogamous relationship with a woman from a place of PURE CHOICE.

I have always entered a committed relationship with a woman from a place of pressure and obligation.

After seeing a woman for a month, or several months, they would always ask me:

“What are we?” 
“Where is this going?”

Naturally, I’d get really uncomfortable and try to come up with some sort of way to answer the question in a way that reflects my truth, but also doesn’t crush her heart and her feelings.

However, I noticed that the way I went about it didn’t always land or resonate with women.

In fact, it would often hurt them.

Here are a couple approaches I tried that didn’t work.

1) “I’m not looking for anything serious right now”

This would often hurt the hell out of women (and sometimes even push them away).

Why?

I assume it’s because I was so open, sincere, and loving with them from the get go… before ever sharing where I’m at and what I’m desiring.

I was genuinely interested in getting to know them as a person as soon as I met them (apparently that kind of thing is rare these days).

Sad, I know.

In any case, it made them disappointed that I wasn’t open to “seeing them in that way”

I’m sure it also made some women feel like they weren’t good enough to be considered for something like that.

Of course, none of that was actually the case. It was just where I was at, at the time. See rule #2 from The 4 Agreements:

Don’t Take Anything Personally 

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Nevertheless, this approach that I was taking in telling women that “I wasn’t looking for anything serious” didn’t work for me.

So I tried to be more precise with my word, and speak more directly into what it was that I was actually wanting and feeling.

So rather than saying that I wasn’t wanting anything serious, I decided to say:

2) “I’m just not looking for a serious relationship right now”

Honestly, this wasn’t all that much better (in retrospect)

But I thought it was, at the time.

After all, I was still open to deep, vulnerable and authentic connections with women.

I just didn’t want to be subjected to all the typical “relationship” stuff.

I didn’t want to be pressured to do all the things that “boyfriends” and “girlfriends” typically do when they make it “official”

I just wanted to get to know someone and feel into their heart, see what they’re all about, and hear what they’re up to.

And also figure out how I can best love and support them.

(And vice versa)

Apparently, to most women, this was synonymous for a monogamous, committed, long-term relationship.

So it still didn’t work for me… in terms of getting the results that I actually wanted.

Now, you might be wondering…

What is it that I actually wanted?

I just wanted to relate to women without any kind of pressure, expectations or disappointments.

That’s not too much to ask for, is it?

And yet, when I shared my truth with them in this way, it always lead to them feeling hurt.

When I told them that I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship right now, it always left them feeling hurt and disappointed.

It also left them feeling a bit disillusioned for thinking that it could potentially lead to something “serious”

In fact, many of them refused to listen to me when I told them that.

They would stick around longer, convinced that I would eventually change my mind.

Most of the time, I didn’t. And they eventually saw that for themselves. And left.

Which is good, because I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would only stick around if I were to give them some sort of commitment (more on this later)

However, there were a few times where I eventually “caved in”

And “compromised”

And entered a “relationship”

(More on this later)

The point here is this:

Explaining things in this way didn’t lead me to getting the outcome that I really wanted.

Which was the ability to relate freely and openly with a woman (until I discovered whether or not she was actually a good fit for me or not)

My attempts to keep a woman’s expectations at bay didn’t work when I expressed it this way.

And it also didn’t quite convey the depth of what I was really trying to create and communicate with her.

So I evolved my strategy and I would say this instead…

3) I just want to get to know you and relate to you without putting any kind of “labels” on it

See the post I wrote about that here:

How The Relationship Label Can Single Handedly Kill A Relationship

(I originally wrote this post about 4 years ago)

I remember showing this post to an ex-girlfriend of mine within the first 2 weeks we started dating.

When I talked about what I was looking for, and not looking for, in this way, there was a slight improvement.

I was no longer questioning their desire for something “serious” or saying that I didn’t want a “relationship”

I was simply expressing that I wasn’t a fan of all the labels

And I was hinting at the idea that I wanted to relate without labels (which is true)

This was certainly an improvement, and it managed to get me SOME results.

However, it still wasn’t very clear.

It worked with some women, who were kind of like me, and who were annoyed with the typical way that most people were doing relationships.

However,  it still didn’t really work (in the grand scheme of things)

In fact, it actually pissed most women off.

Anytime I shared this perspective with them, it would often lead to us getting into a long drawn out debate around “labels” and the impact they have on us.

Some women would say that it’s not about the label, and that you can still be boyfriend and girlfriend without yada yada.

Long story short: it was exhausting.

And it lead to a lot of debates and disagreements.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t exactly get “turned on” by having conversations like this with romantic partners.

In my experience, it just leaves us feeling more and more disconnected.

It also leads to you feeling really different, and misunderstood.

Like you don’t really see eye to eye on things. Which is okay, I guess.

However, it still didn’t help me in experiencing what it is that I actually wanted…

Which is being with a woman who wants to get to know me and relate to me as a lover… without placing any kind of expectations on me or our relationship.

So I started to reflect on WHY this was happening.

I realized that it probably had something to do with me focusing on all the negatives that I DIDN’T want, rather than on what I actually wanted.

So I started to focus more on what I DID want.

And I stumbled upon an amazing quote from a woman (a renowned psychologist, at that), that described it perfectly.

Here it is:

“I want to love you without clutching, appreciate you without judging, join you without invading, invite you without demanding, leave you without guilt, criticize you without blaming, and help you without insulting. If I can have the same from you, then we can truly meet and enrich each other.”

― Virginia Satir

That’s absolutely beautiful, isn’t it?

I feel like it’s so telling and revealing of the higher dimensions of living and loving.

And yet, I would always get met with some form of fear and resistance when I shared this with women.

It was actually really annoying because I felt like I had FINALLY found the most perfect passage EVER to describe it.

In fact, I got so excited that I even started using it on some of my online dating profiles (back in the day)

I thought that by using a passage that was directly written by a woman, a psychologist at that, to describe how I actually want to live and love, I was safe.

I felt like I had finally found the golden key, the answer to all my relationship woes.

And yet, I didn’t.

I shared this with women, but it never really struck a cord.

It was a wise and powerful quote, but it never lead to women actually being able to relate to me without any pressure or expectations.

They would still demand a commitment from me.

In fact, I’ve even had some women flat out tell me that they were not going to stick around past the 3-6 month mark if they didn’t get some level of commitment from me.

(Stupidly enough, I ended up entering into a relationship with one of them and created a bunch of needless suffering that could have easily been avoided if I had simply paid attention to the clues earlier and truly loved myself)

But oh well. You live and you learn.

Now, I’m not exactly sure what women want from this supposed “commitment”

They probably want to feel a sense of significance or security (or perhaps both)

I would happily provide them with a feeling significance and security throughout our entire process of dating and relating.

However, it would never truly make her feel secure.

Because security is, ultimately, an inside job.

And yet, I would still try to give it to them.

I obliged to their desires and I entered a committed monogamous relationship with them in attempt to make them feel more “secure” in our connection.

Because that’s what they wanted.

Now, let me be clear….

I didn’t do this with just ANY woman who asked for it.

It was always with a woman who’s presence I genuinely enjoyed. A woman with whom I shared a really special connection with. And typically a woman who I had been seeing for anywhere between 1 to 3 months.

During that time, it would become clear to me that I liked her more than any other woman that I was seeing at the time (and to be honest, sometimes I wasn’t even seeing any other women)

A lot of times, I was just focused on myself, my work, and my career.

I enjoyed the sense of connection, closeness and companionship that I felt with her. And I usually didn’t have any “fuck buddies” or “friends with benefits” or people that I was just “sleeping with.”

And so entering a relationship with a woman that I most enjoy and connect with, never seemed like a real HUGE sacrifice for me.

Like I said, I typically wasn’t seeing any more than 2 women at any one given time. And I was never one to try to sleep with a bunch of random girls at bars and clubs.

So I was never really “giving up” a lot of freedom.

In fact, I greatly preferred the genuine connection that would unfold between the hearts and souls of two people who were truly yearning to know each other over a bunch of shallow and meaningless connections that lead to sex.

So when I found that desire expressed with a woman that I was seeing,
I would usually enter a committed monogamous relationship with her. And I would continue to get to know her, under a more fixed and focused container.

I would completely shut off my sexual desire for other women. And I would never even so much as flirt with another woman, out of respect and honor for my relationship.

But if I were to get really honest with myself, I never really wanted to do this.

I was just doing this because this is what I thought had made me a “good boyfriend”

And it’s also what I believed to be the best thing to do to avoid dealing with a bunch of unnecessary fights and drama in my relationship.

And so I kept on doing all these things and being what I thought was a “good boyfriend”

What is a good boyfriend?

I don’t know about you, but I imagined a good boyfriend to be someone was someone honest, loving, and loyal.

Someone who really valued being with just ONE person. And truly loving them. And listening to them. And getting to know them. And doing everything they can with them.

But if I had to be really HONEST with MYSELF, I never really wanted to enter a serious, committed monogamous relationship with any of the women I dated.

I would have greatly preferred to just get to know them, and continue to explore myself through other ventures in life (whether that was through work, friends, or even dating other women)

I would have greatly preferred the lightness of truly just being with someone and getting to know them for who they are, rather than for who we want them to be for us.

I would have greatly preferred to take it slow, than to immediately escalate things to the next level and have our relationship be judged and measured by how well we adhere to the social standards of what two people who are in a relationship do when they are together.

And yet, that’s what I ended up doing…. time and time again.

In at least 3 or 4 different relationships, ranging anywhere from 3 months to 3 years.

As I look back on WHY I did this, the answer is really simple.

I felt pressured to do it.

I did it just to make them happy.

And even more importantly… I did it because I was afraid.

I was afraid that they were going to leave me if I didn’t give them what they wanted.

Especially since they made it clear that they wouldn’t keep doing this without some sort of commitment.

And while it wasn’t a complete and total tragedy for me to enter those relationships (although they did have some very tragic components), I knew that there had to be a better way to do this.

Fast forward to now…

How I View Commitment Today…

I am not interested in a woman that needs a false sense of security from me in order to assuage her fears and her worries about the future.

I am not interested in a woman who wants to manipulate me and my desires in order to get a greater illusion of control over her future.

I am only interested in a woman who trusts and values herself enough to know that what she has to offer is inherently valuable in and of itself, and that she doesn’t need to rope me into an “exclusive agreement” with her in order to get my full attention and presence.

There is no need to do that, because I already offer it to her fully and freely.

And she is wise enough to recognize it.

I always offered it freely, but I was dealing with insecure women who always wanted more. And so they couldn’t really see what it was that they were truly receiving.

They had a bottomless pit of desires that could never be satiated.

And stupidly enough, I still entered into a “relationship” with them to try to fill it.

All in attempt to be a “good boyfriend”

So I can get praised for how good I am to them, and for how special I make them feel.

I wanted to be recognized and praised for all my “good” qualities as man.

So that I can extract some sort of validation, value and worth.

How exhausting!

The really uncomfortable thing to admit here is that I was equally guilty for all of this…

As much as I want to get mad and blame my past partners, I was equally guilty here.

I allowed all of this to happen to me.

(OUCH!)

I continuously chose to create these experiences for myself because I didn’t truly love and value myself.

I don’t know if I was trying to compensate for some sort of deep insecurity within myself or if I was just trying to seek some sort of external validation from women, but I kept finding myself falling back into these same patterns.

These patterns of trying to be a “good man” to a woman.

In order to be recognized and praised for it.

And so it made sense as to why I kept attracting these types of experiences into my life.

I am much more conscious of this pattern within myself now (although I’m sure it still arises from time to time)

However, I know what it feels like in my body when I enter into any type of agreement just to please or appease a woman

(Read: the difference between complying vs choosing)

I now focus on choice, rather than compliance.

I am not interested in complying for a woman’s compliments.

I am not interested in loving her in exchange for her praise and validation.

I source my value and my worth from within.

And I share my love freely with the people in my life.

I share my love freely with them because I see so much to love about them.

When I share my love for them, I pay attention to how it’s received.

I pay attention to how it lands for them.

How they receive it.

And how they express it back to me (although I try to not be attached to receiving any kind of expression back).

In short, I pay attention to all of the clues that are right there in front of me.

And I take careful note of ALL of this.

Because it tells me everything that I need to know.

It tells me everything that I need to know about them, about myself, and about how we relate together.

I use this information to make educated choices about what serves me best.

And here’s what I’ve noticed within myself…

When I enter an exclusive relationship with just ONE woman, I give up a lot of my power and freedom.

Sure, I still remain incredibly powerful and free as a man.

But I have given up something very fundamental to me, something that is very powerful to me as a man.

And that is my choice.

My ability to choose the type of connections with women that most nourish, expand and excite me.

If I give up this ability to choose, from the world-wide buffet of women, then I want to be sure that the dish that I am choosing to eat is one that is the most nourishing, expansive, and exciting to me.

If I choose JUST one woman, and I truly decide to choose her, moment by moment – I want to take my time and be absolutely certain that I am making the RIGHT choice.

And I know that this is ultimately what is best for me, and for the woman.

I know that if I enter an agreement with a woman from a place that feels like anything other than me making a powerful choice for myself and for what I truly feel is best for me, then we will eventually both grow to regret it. And also resent it.

I know, because I’ve done this so many times. And I know exactly what it leads to.

And what I can say is this:

Neither of us really needs to be subjected to the type of experience that this leads to.

I would much rather relate with you in real-time, separate from any assumptions expectations or projections that we may have for each other.

I want to co-create with you now, moment by moment, and see how enjoyable it is for us to do that.

And through doing that, I would like to see how compatible we truly are as lovers. And co-creators.

If through doing so, we find that we are compatible. Great. We can continue to co-create a life together.

If through doing so we discover that we are not compatible, we can discontinue seeing each other from a place of love, honor, and mutual respect (instead of having a whole slew of emotions arise from the deep level of disappointment that we’d normally feel after getting so heavily involved and invested with someone prematurely, without taking the proper time to really feel a person out and see if it’s a good long-term fit).

When we enter relationships prematurely with people, we often enter the relationship in an attempt to meet some fairy tale that we hold in our minds.

And then we end up disillusioned when it turns out to be different than what we imagined.

However, when we take the time to truly get to know each other and feel each other out, we can co-create life together in a way that is truly expansive and nourishing for both our hearts and our souls.

This is the type of relationship that I imagine for myself.

And this is the type of relationship that I truly want for others.

And I feel that, in order to do that, we must begin to hold the power of our commitment as something truly sacred. Because it is.

Our commitment is truly sacred. And so are our choices.

Our choices reflect our commitments.

And our commitments create our life.

Be mindful of the choices you make.

And be very intentional about the commitments you create.

May this article support you in creating the type of relationships that your heart most deeply desires

Should you want any additional help working through any of the topics that I mentioned here, please feel free to reach out to me at kevinkurgansky@gmail.com and we can schedule a time for us talk.

Best wishes,

Kevin

PS: I wrote a second follow-up post on this topic here:

How We View, Approach, And Commit To Long-Term Relationships (And Why It Needs To Change)