I was talking to one of my best friends at a party the other night…
He started asking me questions about a connection with a woman that I’ve been seeing.
He asked me how my heart feels about it, and inquired deeper into what it’s been like for my heart to be in connection with her (typical party conversation, I know). If any of us needed some help when it comes to sexual habits that can deteriorate relationships, then we can instantly click here.
When he imagined being in my shoes, he imagined himself feeling really shocked and disoriented.
I looked at him compassionately, and yet slightly startled.
It didn’t feel that way to me.
I told him that it’s felt really good.
And that it’s felt incredibly loving, nourishing and supportive the whole time.
Extremely nourishing and supportive, at that. And consistently so.
Then, I tuned into the subtle energetics of this connection a bit more.
And then I tuned in to the subtle energetics of some of the other connections that I’ve had in the past.
That’s when I realized something.
It was through that contrast, and through that reflection, that I uncovered this pearl of insight that I’m about to share with you right now.
As I felt into the subtle energetics of this connection, I realized that it actually IS a little surprising and startling to me. And even a bit disorienting sometimes.
When I first answered things, I was covering it up with a positive, surface-level answer, by sharing the overarching feeling of love and gratitude and positivity that I was feeling.
Yet, if I really tune into my experience, there have been a few times where I’ve had to stop and just be present, and truly receive what was right in front of me.
And to be honest, it actually DID feel a bit disorienting for me at times.
I’ll tell you why…
It was disorienting for me to NOT experience love as this tragic tale of rejection and redemption.
A simultaneously tragic yet victorious tale, at that.
The tragic part was the constancy of the rejection.
And the victorious part was the valiant redemption that I would have to work “overtime” to earn.
See, in every deeply significant relationship where I was deeply emotionally involved with a woman (read: a committed partnership), I would experience what felt like a constant sense of rejection, judgment, and criticism. Aside from this, one might encounter queries like what age are you considered a cougar when it comes to relationships.
Part of this was surely self-created, through the lens I was choosing to view the world through, and what I was apparently committed to re-creating.
And then a part of it was actually the behavior that was enacted on the behalf of my partners (no surprise that these were so miraculously mirrored!)
Now, not EVERY partnership was like this…
However, all the significant relationships that I’ve had in the past, that lasted more than 9+ months had this as a very big part of them.
This tragic and triumphant tale of Rejection & Redemption
Feeling deeply inadequate and interpreting everything my partners were saying as it meaning that I’m not good enough for them. And then rejecting myself, and creating a strife-filled context where I am seeking to earn their validation and approval, for the inherent rejection that I myself had created.
And the more I did this, the more it actually enabled them to judge me, and criticize me, and reject me. Further feeding this vicious cycle. Ouch. My stomach is feeling a ping of electricity as I write this. I feel like I’m actually associating with the deeper emotional experience of it now. Wow. I uncovered a new layer, it seems. This piece about how me being this way, probably just added “fuel” to the fire, so to speak. And further perpetuated this cycle of rejection and redemption, cuz I would then expose myself and my insecurities and vulnerabilities, thus revealing even more of how vulnerable and tender I am, the stories and misunderstandings that I can sometimes fall into, making myself available to be on the receiving end of their irritation with me, as I further internalize that as being something about me, reject myself even more deeply, and feel the need to earn my redemption.
God, what an exhausting cycle.
I am so grateful to be out of that loop. Or at least be aware of it.
As soon as I shared this subtle (and yet not-so-subtle) distinction, my friend asked if I ever wrote a post about it. I said no. He insisted that I write about it, and share it with more people. Cuz they can probably relate. So here it is. Written.
May the alchemy of my pain, and the healing of my wounds, somehow lead you closer to healing and alchemizing yours.
If this touched you, inspired you, or impacted you in anyway – please let me know.
This is truly why I do this.
So any heartfelt comments and shares would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
Kevin