You meet someone new and you guys really hit it off. You feel that spark of attraction and that special connection.
You start seeing each other more and more and you begin spending a lot of time together.
Eventually “the talk” happens.
No, not the breakup talk… the talk about what you guys are doing and “what you are”
In most cases, women are the ones that initiate this conversation.
Women usually have the
“relationship talk” for 3 reasons…
- They realize the guy is everything they’ve been looking for so they want to get into a serious and committed relationship.
- They’re in love with the idea of being in love so they automatically start turning things into a relationship as soon as they meet a guy that they’re really into because that’s what they feel they’re “supposed to do” once they get involved with someone.
- Their pride starts to get the best of them and they want to make sure they’re not just a fuck buddy or a booty call. Plus they don’t want to feel like they’re giving themselves to a guy while he may potentially be enjoying the company of other woman too. They usually feel like they’re “too good” for that or they deserve better. Now I’m not saying they’re wrong for feeling that way, I’m just saying it’s simply a matter of pride.
Guys react to the “relationship talk” in one of 3 ways…
- They’re not particularly interested in a relationship but they decide to get into a relationship because that’s what you’re “supposed to do” after you start dating someone
- They’re really into the girl because she’s everything he’s been looking for so he decides to consciously enter a relationship by choice… rather than pressure
- They let the girl know that they’re not really interested in something serious right now. However, most guys don’t say this even if that’s how they feel because they’re afraid of upsetting the woman or hurting her feelings and potentially losing what they have altogether. Instead, they just go against their will and decide to enter a relationship because they feel pressured to do so.
So you enter a relationship and everything’s amazing in the beginning, as usual. But as time passes, you start to fight and argue a lot more. Eventually, you find yourself with a whole slew of problems that never even existed before.
Why? Well, the obvious reason is that the more time you spend with another person, the more time you have to get to know them and see things that you don’t like. Therefore, all the problems can’t be attributed to the relationship label itself; however, a significant portion of them often arise as a result of the label. Here’s why:
The relationship label comes with
a whole set of expectations…
And the tricky part is that these expectations are different for every single person because each person has a different understanding of what love and relationships are.
We’ve all adopted different beliefs about love and relationship when we were growing up and we’ve all been heavily influenced by movies, television, family, friends, parents and past partners. And while we all share a relatively common base of social conditioning about love and relationships, each person has been influenced in a slightly different way.
Everyone has a different understanding of what a relationship actually is, and more importantly, what they expect out of a relationship.
What a Relationship Really is….
Before we begin to explore what a relationship actually is, it’s important to realize that there’s really no such thing as a relationship. It’s not like there’s some natural thing that exists out there called a “relationship.” It exists in us and we’re the ones that give it meaning. In other words, it’s not a real thing; it’s a man-made concept that’s been created and perpetuated throughout society over thousands of years.
Well just like anything else that gets passed on, it gets twisted and distorted over time and it begins to take on a whole new meaning. Now I’m not going to get into the specifics of how love and relationships are grossly misrepresented in the media because I think it’s a common fact that they often portray a very idealistic and unrealistic fantasy of what love and relationships really are. Instead, I’m going to share what I believe to be…
The #1 Most Common Misunderstanding that
People Have about Love & Relationships
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” – Tony Robbins
Both people must see a relationship as a vehicle of giving, rather than a means of receiving.
Unfortunately, most people don’t consciously enter a relationship in order to give. Instead, they enter a relationship primarily to receive. And anytime you’re expecting to receive something and you don’t get it, you get disappointed. Well, a relationship label brings with it a whole set of expectations from both people; and when these expectations don’t get met, they get upset.
And this is the fundamental problem that is inseparable from all relationships.
Once you enter a relationship with someone, you’re not only entering a relationship with the person but you’re also entering a relationship with their relationship expectations.
Their idea of what a relationship is, what they expect to receive from it, and how they expect to be treated by you.
See once you put a label on the ongoing process of relating that first brought you two together, you infuse it with expectations and you begin molding it to some fairy tale picture that you have in your head… rather than just letting it happen and enjoying the unfolding process.
Instead of just letting it be, people try to control it and make it a certain way – which often sucks the joy, passion and excitement out of things. The relationship label is notorious for taking the rich and rewarding process of two people co-exploring each others inner world and confining them to a desolate cage. This compromise is often justified because at least it gives people the security of inhabiting it with someone else, rather than withering away in their own loneliness.
So What’s the Solution?
Give each other the permission to just be together and enjoy the process of being together.
Letting things be gives you the freedom to explore each other rather than getting trapped in playing a certain role in the relationship in order to please your partner. This is what creates space for the “juice” to flow. Once it stops flowing, the relationship gets routine and boring.
The freedom to be creates an opening for intimacy; a relationship creates a set of expectations that require satisfaction.
So rather than exploring the depths of each others being and savoring the juice that brought you two together in the first place, people often get too consumed with maintaining the very cage that is keeping them confined to a life of misery and monotony.
Here’s a passage from a great spiritual teacher by the name of Osho that does a phenomenal job of illustrating this point even further.
“Love is not a relationship. Love relates, but it is not a relationship. A relationship is something complete and finished. A relationship is a noun; the full stop has come, the honeymoon is over. Now there is no joy, no enthusiasm, now all is finished. You can carry it on, just to keep your promises. You can carry it on because it is comfortable, convenient, cozy. You can carry it on because there is nothing else to do. You can carry it on because if you disrupt it, it is going to create much trouble for you.
Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues. It is a continuum. It is a verb, not a noun.
And why do we reduce the beauty of relating to relationship? Why are we in such a hurry? — because to relate is insecure, and relationship is a security, relationship has a certainty. Relating is just a meeting of two strangers, maybe just an overnight stay and in the morning we say goodbye. Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow? And we are so afraid that we want to make it certain, we want to make it predictable. We would like tomorrow to be according to our ideas; we don’t allow it freedom to have its own say. So we immediately reduce every verb to a noun.
Relationships should be transcended; only then can real love happen. Once you are in a relationship you start taking each other for granted. That’s what destroys all love affairs. The woman thinks she knows the man, the man thinks he knows the woman. Nobody knows either. It is impossible to know the other, the other remains a mystery. And to take the other for granted is insulting, disrespectful.
To think that you know your wife is very very ungrateful. How can you know the woman? How can you know the man? They are processes, they are not things. The woman that you knew yesterday is not there today. So much water has gone down the Ganges; she is somebody else, totally different. Relate again, start again, don’t take it for granted. And the man that you slept with last night, look at his face again in the morning. He is no more the same person, so much has changed. So much, incalculably much, has changed. That is the difference between a thing and a person. The furniture in the room is the same, but the man and the woman, they are no more the same. Explore again, start again. That’s what I mean by relating.
Relating means you are always starting, you are continuously trying to become acquainted. Again and again, you are introducing yourself to each other. You are trying to see the many facets of the other’s personality. You are trying to penetrate deeper and deeper into his realm of inner feelings, into the deep recesses of his being. You are trying to unravel a mystery which cannot be unraveled.
That is the joy of love: the exploration of consciousness. And if you relate, and don’t reduce it to a relationship, then the other will become a mirror to you. Exploring him, unawares you will be exploring yourself too. Getting deeper into the other, knowing his feelings, his thoughts, his deeper stirrings, you will be knowing your own deeper stirrings too. Lovers become mirrors to each other, and then love becomes a meditation. Relationship is ugly, relating is beautiful. In relationship, both persons become blind to each other. Just like your eyes become old, your assumptions become old too. Your mirror gathers dust and you become incapable of reflecting the other.
Hence I say relate. By saying relate, I mean remain continuously on a honeymoon. Go on searching and seeking each other, finding new ways of loving each other, finding new ways of being with each other. And each person is such an infinite mystery, inexhaustible, unfathomable, that it is not possible that you can ever say, “I have known her,” or, “I have known him.” At the most you can say, “I have tried my best, but the mystery remains a mystery. In fact the more you know, the more mysterious the other becomes. Then love is a constant adventure.”
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should never get into a relationship.
All I’m saying is don’t let the relationship get in the way of the love that is there.
So the #1 takeaway that I want you to get from this article is to not try to force things and rush into a relationship with someone just because you have strong feelings for them. I know that’s what we’ve all been taught to do but it’s much better to just let it happen and enjoy the unfolding process. If it’s meant to be, it will happen on its own. Trying to force it will only ruin it.
Wishing you the best of luck in life and love,
Kevin
PS: feel free to leave me a comment below if you need more relationship advice and I’ll be happy to help you!