I wrote a post on my blog about “How a Conscious Man Commits”
In this post, I shared a vulnerable and in-depth look at how I view and approach the topic of “commitment” when it comes to relationships.
I start the post by saying:
“It doesn’t feel authentic for me to commit exclusively to any ONE woman unless I feel that she is absolutely the RIGHT woman for me.”
If men could uphold this one simple standard in life, I believe that the ENTIRE world’s experience of relationships would be drastically different.
Unfortunately, that’s not the standard that the majority of men uphold when we approach our relationship decisions.
So often, we progress forward into a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship with a woman without taking the time to truly feel her out and see if she’s the right woman for us.
There are many reasons this happens, and I’ll share a couple of them below.
But first, I want to acknowledge the true cost and the effects of NOT approaching the area of commitment with such a pristine level of clarity and integrity.
By NOT upholding this high-level of standard when it comes to our word and our commitment, we actually create more pain, suffering and heartbreak for both parties in the long run.
Why?
Because we give the impression that we are willing to commit full-heartedly to something that we may still only be half-hearted about.
(I’ll get into the reasons why we do this in just a bit)
But first, I want to talk about what actually happens psychologically when you commit to someone.
When you commit to one person (and one person only) for a serious, committed long-term relationship – you are subtly communicating that you are committed to pursuing them (and only them) full-heartedly. For the long run.
By entering the “domain” of a committed, monogamous, long-term relationship, a woman gets the implicit understanding (whether she’s conscious or not) that you are seriously interested in, or are one day considering, pursuing a shared life with her long-term.
You are communicating that you are considering progressing things further… beyond just the physical, emotional, spiritual and romantic sense.
You are communicating that you are also potentially interested in moving in with her one day, getting engaged, getting married, and having kids.
If you are not yet clear on whether this is a possibility that you are seriously interested in exploring with her one day, then I would advise you NOT to get into a serious, committed, monogamous long-term relationship with her.
Why?
Because just by doing that ONE thing, you may be giving her the impression that you are full-heartedly committed to something that you are only half-heartedly committed to (or may not even be committed to at all!)
This is actually a very common case for a lot of men.
In a lot of cases, the man is not even wanting it AT ALL (and still subconsciously committing to it anyway)
The truth is:
The desire to “settle down” and get married and start a family usually doesn’t TRULY come “on board” for most men until later in life.
I’m not going to claim to know the exact age and throw out an arbitrary number and claim it as fact. However, if I had to pick a general age range for when men suddenly have the desire for marriage and children come on board, it would be sometime in their 30’s. And even more specifically, when a man is 35+
Most Men Aren’t In Tune With Their Desire for Marriage, Kids or a Family
Unfortunately, most men aren’t actually “in tune” with this part of their life.
Partly because they’re just not in tune with it yet (ie: it hasn’t come on board and they don’t think about it much)
Partly because they’re still busy “achieving” and doing the other things that they want to do with their life (AKA: Doing, being, having and experiencing whatever it is that they are most enjoying at this current stage in their life).
And so when you ask them about their views on this particular topic, they may not have a very clearly formulated answer around it yet (if at all).
And that’s okay.
Of course, there are some men who have a clear answer and stance around this topic earlier in life.
Whether it’s because they had a missing father figure in their life and really want to “right” some sort of personal wrong that they’ve experienced in life – and want to do it “right” or “better.”
Or because they had such a deeply rich, rewarding and impactful experience with their father that they too want to be able to give forward that same joy to someone and be there for them (which is equally rare too)
The point here is this:
Unless a man has had a truly deeply impactful experience, either strong or negative, it’s usually an area of life that most men haven’t given a whole lot of thought to.
It’s kind of like men who don’t really think about whether they’re going to send their kid to public school or private school. That level of contemplation doesn’t typically arise until they are actually in a “buying state” or a “buying decision” – so to speak. (With the exception of the individuals who have had horribly good and bad experiences with both public or private options)
This leaves us with the vast majority of people.
And the vast majority of people (men or women) just go along with what’s expected of them by friends, family, and society as a whole.
And so they just assume that this is the eventual next step in their journey.
Without actually getting clear on:
1) whether they want it or not
2) WHY they want it
3) WHY they’ll want it
4) WHO they’ll want it with
5) HOW they’ll do it
And even if they do, they will never take the time to truly voice that to a woman because they fear the repercussions of expressing that to her (IE: potentially losing the woman they love for good)
And so women never really know where their man TRULY stands around this particular topic.
When they try to bring it up, they only manage to get a few words out of their man.
I’ve had many female clients that have tried to approach this conversation with a man multiple times, only to end up talking about 3x as much as he does. And pretty much having to pull things out of him.
Here’s the facts:
This is not a topic that a lot of men feel super comfortable talking about.
This is not a topic that a lot of men even KNOW how to talk about.
And it’s also not a topic that they themselves even have any clarity around within themselves.
(These two things go hand-in-hand, as we’ll discover later)
But it gets worse.
Not only do we not know how we really feel about this area of our life
We also don’t know how to express our REAL truth around this
Nor is it an experience that we truly desire to go into, as a result of these 2 things
But if that’s not bad enough…
We also act in ways that IMPLY certain things about our desires with our ACTIONS that we may not quite be aware of
(And that’s what I’m trying to do here)
I’m attempting to make us all aware of what we actually imply with our actions by over-articulating every facet of this experience, and what it’s like for each person, and how it lands for both parties (and how that ultimately goes to shape the nature of their relationship together)
So here we go…
By getting into a serious long-term committed monogamous relationship with a woman, you are giving her the impression that that’s what you want with her one day.
And if it’s not, then your actions are out of integrity with your true desires.
You shouldn’t TRULY commit to a woman in that way until you are truly a FUCK YES to her.
(And not just a YES to fucking her)
And not just because you don’t want to lose her because she’s the only woman you’re currently fucking.
That is NOT the basis for why you should enter a serious, committed, long-term monogamous relationship.
Please spare yourself the consequences that result from these types of half-hearted relationship decisions.
Spare yourselves all the 3-6 month to 2.5 – 3 year relationships that lose steam and leave both parties feeling hurt, heartbroken, and disillusioned.
Spare yourself the 5-10 year relationships that never lead to anything, where the guy just waits around and keeps delaying things and never pops the question.
Spare yourself from the inevitable disillusionment that you feel when you realize that the thing you were hoping to turn into something never does.
Don’t Say Yes Until You’re A Fuck Yes
I believe that we should be a full yes to that woman BEFORE we make our proclamation for a long-term committed and monogamous relationship with her.
Even if that means taking MORE time to date her and truly get to know her, without neccessarily getting into an “official relationship” and simultaneously bringing onboard all the expectations that that type of decision brings (that they already full-heartedly love you and are going to successfully show that to you in every way you desire)
There are many reasons this happens:
1) Because we, ourselves, don’t really know what it is that we want
Most men have no idea what they want in a woman
They have a vague understanding, or a felt-sense, of how we would like her to be or look like.
But that’s about it.
We don’t have a thorough and in-depth understanding of what it is that we most deeply and ultimately want in a woman and in a relationship.
Another big reason that men fail to approach relationships with this high level of standard is…
2) Because we feel pressured to get into a relationship (and go along with what a woman wants)
As men, we are often pressured into relationships with women.
Or given “ultimatums”
Sometimes this happens very directly and overtly. And other times its subtle.
A woman may flat out say that’s what she wants and is looking for and that’s the only premise under which she is willing to relate with anyone with.
As men, we have the option to walk away from this situation.
But many times, we go ahead with it anyway because we are intrigued or attracted by the woman.
Other times, women are less direct.
They may not turn it into a “take it or leave it” approach up front.
But they will be clear about what they want (a long term committed relationship) and will be open to taking the time to feel it out, even if you’re not a full yes right on the spot when you meet her.
(I mean, how often does that actually happen?)
But she is clear that that’s what is, or that she has a rule that if it doesn’t become a certain way by a certain time, or have the potential to become that, she will often lose interest.
Other women actually have hard-fast rules.
They say that if it doesn’t go into that direction within the first 3 months, they usually move on.
>>>>>>
It can feel like an inevitable part of the relationship. Like the next gradual step
and we comply because it’s the best option that we have in our lives at the time.
However, this doesn’t neccessarily produce the most optimal results long term.
In fact, it actually creates more pain and heartbreak in the long run (since men give the impression that they are willing to commit full-heartedly to something they may only be half-hearted about)
And through that commitment, they can